The Second Essential Ingredient For Developing Great Friendships

Written by: Vijay Krishnan

“I’ve had the same conversation with five different guys - about their struggles, questions and need for friendship. It’s time we all get in the same room.” 

These were the incredibly timely and fortuitous words my friend CT spoke to me in early 2017. Now seven years later, these words have changed my life. If you want to learn how then read on. 

Great friendships do not happen by themselves. They take time and effort and attention. Last week I wrote about the first essential ingredient: Proximity. If you want to catch up, you can read more HERE

Proximity means we need side-by-side time to build a great friendship - time spent making memories and doing mundane tasks, time spent running errands or running laps, time spent playing and working together. 

Proximity may be the first ingredient but it’s not the only one. If it is, we may find ourselves surrounded by people we have spent hours with, but feel very alone with. We can battle loneliness, isolation, anxiety and addiction, all the while surrounded by people we call “friends”. We need more than just friendships based on work and play and happy hour and moving day. Again we turn to the ancient writings in the book of Proverbs for some wisdom: 

    “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. 

   The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.”

These two verses describe the second essential ingredient in great friendships: Vulnerability. The writer of Proverbs gives two powerful examples of vulnerability that are marks of a good friendship: “the heartfelt counsel of a friend” and “wounds from a sincere friend.” 

This is about friendships that are willing to share emotions with each other (heartfelt) AND that are willing to share the tough things that need to be said or heard (wounds from a friend). Both of these things, when present, create vulnerability

 The words we exchange in our friendships need to be more than just “wanna grab a drink,” “can you help me move,” or “did you see that game yesterday??” We need words that share emotions; words like:

• I need your help ‘cause I’m really not doing well
• My marriage is in rough shape - can we talk?
• I have a decision to make and I need your input
• I haven’t told anyone else this but…
• Is there anything you’ve been anxious or troubled about lately?
• I love you

We also need to be willing to “wound” a friendship in order to build it. I don’t mean it is ok to say hurtful things or take below-the-belt shots. I mean being willing to have tough conversions, to say or to hear words that need to be said. Words like:

• when you said/did this, I felt hurt
• I’m worried about this in your life
• You might be wrong about this
• I’ve noticed this about you and I wonder if it’s a problem

Proximity without vulnerability will create a shallow friendship; not a strong one. And yet if we are honest with ourselves, this is the drift of most of our friendships. 

We often spend countless hours with people we see regularly, yet our relationships remain surface-level. This happens because we haven't had the courage to ask if they’re open to sharing feedback or wisdom, or perhaps they aren’t someone we’d seek advice from on important decisions. Maybe we’ve never gone beyond the superficial—expressing our true feelings, telling a friend we love them, discussing difficult topics, or creating a space where they feel comfortable confronting us with their concerns.

Here’s the thing about these two essential ingredients of meaningful relationships. You cannot have vulnerability without proximity.  You’re not likely to be vulnerable with someone that you don’t connect with in person regularly and you cannot have a great friendship without vulnerability. 

Let’s be honest—vulnerability is hard. We often fear letting ourselves be truly seen and getting to know others as they really are. Insecurity—the fear of rejection, the fear of exposing our true selves, the fear of revealing our flaws—is a burden we all carry. We’re afraid to be fully known and accepted for who we really are. 

We’re also afraid of truly getting to know someone else. What if they open up about their addiction, a troubled marriage, or deep depression, and we feel helpless? We tell ourselves we’re not counselors, doctors, or therapists. But the truth is, we often prefer not to know what’s really happening in our friends' lives because we don’t know how to help—or we feel like we’re already overwhelmed with our own challenge

But we have to push through our own resistance to embracing vulnerability. In the long run, we only grow in relationships with others therefore deeper friendships are better and more valuable to our growth than easy friendships. 

When CT approached 5 different guys he knew about starting an intentional friendship, we all had varying levels of reluctance. We were all busy leading, busy parenting, busy husbanding (is that a word?) and weren’t feeling like we had extra time for anything. Under the surface, we were even more uncertain about whether we would actually be able to form a friendship together; one that would go past the surface and be worth our investment of precious time. 

CT cashed in his trust dollars with us to get us to a cottage together in the fall of 2017, for 3 days. One guy strategically booked a trip to the middle east on day 3 so he could have an easy out if the weekend sucked. It didn’t, and he regretted missing out, and we roast him for it every time we’re together.

Over time, as proximity grew, so did vulnerability. Now we have several years of laughter, ribbing, memories, prayers, tears, wisdom and support that have resulted in true friendship. It took time, risk and intentionality. It still does. But our mutual commitment to it has made this group an invaluable place of stability and love.

As you consider the two essential elements to build meaningful friendships (proximity and vulnerability) here are a few questions to consider as you think about the people in your life:

1. Which friendship(s) in my life have the potential to be deeper?
2. Is there a struggle or concern I have, which I have not shared with them, which I could make an attempt to do?
3. Is there anything that seems concerning, troubling or difficult in their life that I could ask about?
4. (for married couples) Is there a book or course we could suggest reading or taking with another couple we are friends with, to strengthen both our marriages?

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Brad Pedersen

Vijay Krishnan