The First Essential Ingredient for Developing Great Friendships

Written by: Vijay Krishnan

In 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic. His data revealed that 1 in 2 people experienced one or both of these in the previous year, while 1 in 5 reported struggling with acute anxiety or depression. 

With declining marriage and birth rates—the lowest in history—it's clear that our relationships are struggling more than ever.

In a recent interview I watched between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah, as part of the “Brilliant Minds 2024” conference, Simon identified “Friendship” as one of the most important but least-talked-about solutions to these issues of mental health, addiction and relational breakdown. 

As I reflected on his talk, my mind went to the significant friendships in my own life, past and present, that have dramatically shaped who I am today…without which I would be in a ditch, on my fourth marriage or heavily addicted to something (no joke). 

My mind also went to some of the ancient wisdom literature and specifically wisdom about friendships. In it we find what I think are the essential ingredients for great friendships.

    “Never abandon a friend—either yours or your father’s. 

    When disaster strikes, you won’t have to ask your brother for assistance. 

      It’s better to go to a neighbor than to a brother who lives far away.” 

This ancient Proverb identifies a clue to the first essential ingredient for any great friendship: Proximity

It's surprising that a Near Eastern writer would claim that a neighbor can be more helpful than a brother. In those cultures, family was everything—loyalty, generosity, and sacrifice were expected within the family. Yet, this writer highlights that the best support often comes from someone nearby, emphasizing the importance of close proximity over blood ties when it comes to practical help.

It might seem obvious, but it’s worth stating: you can’t build a strong friendship without proximity. It’s the first essential ingredient. Without regularly being present in each other’s lives—through conversations, shared experiences, meals, errands, roadside help, hospital visits in tough times, and even the day-to-day grind—you simply can’t form a deep connection.

However in our current world, proximity is not easy. It battles against two formidable enemies: 

One of the enemies of proximity is “digital connection”. We live in a culture that by and large has substituted relational proximity for digital connection. Because we text, host video calls, and “like” “follow” and “subscribe to” each other’s content, we somehow think we are close to each other. 

But we all know you cannot build any close, meaningful relationship without literal physical proximity, literal physical hugs and literally sharing the same air. 

Here’s how I know we know that. With any of the couples I have worked with who are in a long-distance relationship and planning to be married, they are not planning to continue staying long-distance once the marriage vows are exchanged. If they were, you’d likely advise them to give it up, that the odd’s of it working out long term, would be little to none. 

You can’t build a meaningful marriage by being only digitally connected. Likewise, if parents of a newborn decided to move to another continent, leaving their child behind and planning to use video baby monitors and facetime to parent and stay connected to their child, you would laugh.  

So why do we think we can cultivate deep, meaningful friendships through digital only mediums?

The second enemy of proximity is even more formidable: busyness

We say yes to extra work in order to get promoted, yes to a side hustle to make more money, yes to a Masters or PhD  to be able to build our resume or open doors for work, yes to more sports for our kids and yes to more streaming subscriptions, and then find ourselves with little or no time to invest in friendships. 

To build proximity with our key (potential) friendships, we need to actively cut out, say “no” to, the many good-but-not-great things. Seeking out the vital few amongst the trivial many. 

It also might mean we need to creatively re-purpose some of our alone time and find ways to share it with others. 

Take a few minutes to add up the time that you spend:

• scrolling on social media 

• streaming or watching (sports, shows)
• working out (on your own)
• walking the dog (on your own)
• commuting to work or school (on your own)
• running an errand (on your own)

What would it look like to redirect or repurpose some of that time:

• To call a friend on the drive to or from work? 
• To get up and go for a walk with a colleague?
• To invite someone to join you shopping?
• To have a pal join you for a workout?

Each of these things may seem small on their own, but each one is a jab, a cross or an uppercut to the enemies of “Digital connection” and “busyness.”

As you reflect on this week's topic, here are some questions to consider:

How do you balance your digital connections with in-person interactions?

In what ways has busyness impacted your ability to nurture meaningful friendships?

What small changes could you make in your daily routine to build deeper connections?

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Brad Pedersen

Vijay Krishnan