Breaking Free: Escape the 4 Traps of Victimhood and Reclaiming Your Life

Over the past few weeks, we have delved into what it takes to live a life filled with more purpose, greater satisfaction and deeper connections.  

We have explored how true fulfillment is found in the pursuit of the “4 C’s” — Connections, Charity, Creativity, and Challenges – where we specifically focused on Mike Shaw’s incredible story.  

At the same time, we contrasted this with a life driven by the "4 Ps"—Power, Prestige, Possessions, and Pleasure—which leaves us never feeling satisfied, chasing the endless pursuit of “more.”  If you want to catch up, you can read more here.

This week, we want to explore a different way of living—a way that has, unfortunately, gained widespread acceptance in recent times: the victimhood phenomenon.  While somewhat appealing and understandable, it is a temporary and very unhelpful mindset to adopt. 

The Temptation of Victimhood

If I’m being honest, I descended down this slippery slope myself. 

In 2017, I was fired from a company that I had co-founded. The initial shock left me bewildered.  I then entered a negative spin cycle where the story I was telling myself was that I had been wronged by others who were conspiring against me. 

What I didn't realize in pursuing this victim mindset, is that I was surrendering my power to external circumstances and other people.  I had become blind to my accountability for how I had co-created the dynamics that had led to the outcome. 

While it was easier to point fingers at and shift responsibility to others, by doing so I was becoming imprisoned and living in a state known as the “4 B’s.”

The Inevitability of Struggle

Struggle and hardship are inevitable parts of life. What sets apart those who thrive from those who merely survive isn’t the absence of difficulty, but their response to it. 

Champions—people who truly thrive in life—face the same hardships as everyone else, but they don’t let these moments define them but rather they choose to let it refine them. They take ownership of their story, pivoting from a mindset of victimhood to one of having agency in their life and as a result see growth that then reveals their true potential.

The Quality of Life Quadrant

To better understand the different paths we opt to take in life, I want to introduce you to a simple idea called the Quality of Life Quadrant. This model charts two dimensions: engagement and satisfaction.

• Engagement is how invested we are in our pursuits
• Satisfaction reflects the level of fulfillment we feel 

As kids we believe that the possibilities are endless and as a result, we start off on our journey eager and highly engaged.  That carries us through school and into our first years of our career which in the beginning is filled with learning, making mistakes and as a result we have limited satisfaction. This is the rookie stage—where effort and enthusiasm are high, but the rewards are slow to follow. 

As we continue on our life path and continue to face the inevitable challenges, our responses will determine how we evolve into one of three possible people: victims, bystanders, or champions.

The Trap of Victimhood

When adversity strikes, the easiest route and what most default to, is to adopt a victim mentality. It is a tempting mindset because it allows us to deflect our responsibility. 

We tell ourselves that the problem is with external factors—our circumstances, other people, bad luck—anything but ourselves. This mindset saps our engagement, leading us to stop striving for better outcomes because we believe our efforts won’t change anything.

There is power in being a victim; however the power of victimhood lies in creating a false sense of security. It lets you blame external forces, which feels satisfying in the short term, but this comes at a long-term cost. 

In this state you will suffer from the “4 B’s:”  

You will Blame outside circumstances for your results.

You start to compare yourselves to others and Begrudge their success. 

You start sinking deeper into Bitterness, convinced that life has dealt you an unfair hand.

You will become Blind to your accountabilities for co-creating the situation and as a result also your future potential.

The Bystander Mentality: Settling for Mediocrity

If victimhood is characterized by disengagement and dissatisfaction, the bystander is another path that, while more comfortable, still limits potential. 

Bystanders achieve some modicum of success but then settle for mediocrity. They start playing it safe, avoiding risks and thereby forfeit their full potential. 

This path, while seemingly safer, leaves the individual feeling restless, beset by a nagging guilt that they are squandering their precious life.

To get relief from these feelings, bystanders often chase the 4 Ps—Power, Prestige, Pleasure, and Possessions—thinking that these will lead to satisfaction. 

However, as we have previously explored, instead of leading  to contentment, they create a life of frenetic activity on the hedonic treadmill.  

Bystanders share the same fate as victims, in that they miss out on living out their true potential.

Becoming a Champion: Taking Ownership of Your Outcomes

The alternative to both victimhood and being a bystander is to become a champion. Someone who is highly engaged and who experiences deep satisfaction by exploring their possibilities by pushing outside of their comfort zone. 

Champions do not control the events that happen to them, but they understand that they can always control their response. This is the mindset shift that gives them agency over their life and ultimately leads to higher engagement, greater satisfaction and ultimately deeper fulfillment.

That is also directly linked to how champions invest their life force. Instead of chasing the “4 Ps” champions live for the “4 Cs;” seeking out challenges to stretch themselves, using creativity to solve problems, building deeper connections within their relationships and finding opportunities to steward their resources through acts of charity. 

Ultimately, the difference between victims, bystanders, and champions is one of choice. We can choose to live at cause versus being in effect.  Living at cause,  will lead us to feeling more purposeful in our business pursuits, provide us a greater sense of satisfaction in how we steward our resources and allow us to develop deeper connections with those who are important to us. All will be what defines a life that is well lived. 

As you reflect on how the temptation of victimhood has played out in your life consider the following questions:

When have you found yourself slipping into a victim mindset, and what steps did you take—or could you take—to reclaim ownership of your story?

Are there areas in your life where you feel like a bystander, settling for comfort over growth?

How can you intentionally invest more time in the "4 Cs"—Connections, Charity, Creativity, and Challenges—replacing your pursuit of the "4 Ps"?

Brad Pedersen

Vijay Krishnan